Transfixed Desire

I'm a maniac. Maniac. Yes, it's true. But this is nothing new. It comes and goes.

I've decided to make a laundry list of things I've done lately. We'll start with last night.

Kyle was bugging me to watch a movie with him. Justin was also bugging me to watch movies with him. To give some pretext- Justin came in to eat last night while I was working and I spent a good hour sitting at the table with him and his friend Chance and chatting it up. Ended with me giving him his phone number and him eventually texting and calling me multiple times to go hang out. I passed.

Kyle, on the other hand. Pretext here: during lunch break brought him some lunch from the RT and he said I should come by later to watch a fucked up movie and discuss literature. He gave me a book to read which I finished in one night and one day. In all fairness, Kyle asked first.

So I went to Kyle's. And that's not to say that I had to go anywhere at all. I would have been perfectly content sitting at home all night especially because I had homework to do. Well, I ended up going and watching this totally screwed movie and chatting and talking about books and everything else. A bit of conversation:

Me: Kyle?
Kyle: Yes?
Me: How do you feel about me?
Kyle: I don't know.
Me: Hah!
Kyle: It's a lousy answer I know.
Me: Well I wasn't expecting anything brilliant. Okay, fine. We'll start out slow. Yes or no question.
Kyle: Hah!
Me: Do you care about me?
Kyle: Yes.
Me: Do you ever miss me?
Kyle: Yes...but…
Me: Haha!
Kyle: No, wait listen...but it takes awhile.
Me: How long is awhile?
Kyle: Mm...like a couple days.

I don’t know. It didn’t feel 100% candid. But I can’t be sure. He’s not the type to lie because he really doesn’t give a shit anyway but it was a strange feeling. The thing is that I can handle a negative answer. I don’t know if he realizes it. I mean, if I ask a question I’m prepared to hear the answers- I wouldn’t ask the question otherwise. But I know not everyone’s like that. So on to other business.

Woke up and left and he said “Hope your day doesn’t suck too much.” And I just grunted. He was referring to the innate lack of sleep I had gotten last night. But that’s normal for us. “Coming over here isn’t conducent to sleep is it?” And it really isn’t but that’s the way of it. Perhaps once he gets a job he’ll gain a newfound respect for the need of sleep. >.> I can only hope.

So I went to school and played against a team called Tim’s Terminators. I deemed my team the Viking Muskrats. Oh yes. I rock. Haha. We lost, though. But what’ll ya do. Later on I did the quiz that was due for my next class and ended up being late for it but it was acceptable. In this class we formed groups and as a model for the lesson plan we were supposed to create they decided that an older lesson plan of mine would be perfect. Once more, I rock. However, as groups we didn’t get to choose names for ourselves so that was slightly depressing.

I went mudding today. Accidentally, mind you…but ya know. Today I realized once again just how much I adore my car. In all rights the thing should be in ruins at this point after all the shit I put him through but somehow he perseveres and takes damn fine care of me. I know that seemed like a long sentence. It’s not…my longest sentence to date has been 69 words long. That’s right- 69. I am a master. But even I couldn’t say that entire sentence without a breath. We all have our limits.

I ran into RT to grab a book I left there last night and ran into chips and cake and every time I run into good food like that is a good time indeed. Amanda’s baby shower was today. But I had school…such is life. In any case... ran into Jason and we discussed new and improved techniques to cook fish you catch. Jason is the man.

So yeah…a basic rundown laundry list of my past 24 hours kind of. I fall a bit short…but it’s all right. What’s in store for tonight? I have two projects due tomorrow as well as a rather large “celebration of knowledge” aka test!!! That professor is a nutty one. Just downright nutty I say.

I'm not really mad about the Steve thing anymore. Just one of those things. I've settled down about it. Kyle helped with that. I spent last night and most of today with him. He's good at settling me down.

It didn't always used to be the way it is between us. And I've talked about this before. But since that one night when the mingled scents of cigarette smoke and cheap wine invaded my senses, things have changed and settled into a much different groove.

Since that night a part of me wanted to go back and have it be like it was before. We'd spend incredible amounts of time together doing nothing. He'd show me things and I'd show him things and we'd talk of our pasts and our presents and our futures. We'd nap and hike and discover together but I never let him near me. And he accepted that. But things change.

After that night we could not see each other without reaching that climax. Tt annoyed me to no end and I wished it didn't have to be that way. After a month or so of this I managed to spend some time with him without it happening. And I realized that by God...I had a terrible time. And yes, in part I think it was due to what we've allowed our relationship to become and I'm not particularly happy about it but I did realize that it didn't seem right not to do it.

Last night we watched "Dot the i" and went through his practicum and read through notes on a poster made for him by his students when he left his school. We spent the night giggling and touching and laughing together- sharing things with each other like we used to. We mingled the two different relationships we’ve had and I realized that it became like we were dating. However, Kyle would never ask that of me and I would never allow it. We just weren’t meant to. And that’s not to say that I believe anything is meant to happen but I do believe some things weren’t meant to happen and Kyle and I is one of those things.

He’ll be a fine teacher someday. His kids will love him and I know I always will but I’m not that woman for him to come home to.

In recent news: I made it home from the Dyne in 20 minutes the other day. That’s impressive work. My best yet. Truly impressive.

Some things never change fundamentally. Some dynamics really aren’t dynamic at all. But if there’s one thing I’ll never stop believing it’s that ignorance is bliss.

So tonight i have to watch American Psycho and have already watched some Xena and have read pages from Eleanor Rigby. I don't think I'll get around to The Goldan Compass but the night is still young and much possibly looms ahead.

Still, I know a few things I won't be doing and as depressing as it is to me it's something I have to accept. And I'm trying hard to.

A well-oiled machine. Machines are so intricate. They are made up of so many small parts all working together in synch to produce something. But it doesn’t matter how well-oiled a machine is; one piece will eventually wear out and break and then the rest will follow. Because the design is so inextricably connected, one piece’s malfunction means the failure of the entire machine. But that’s just the way it goes…nothing lasts forever.

And I admit that I am not a good person by any standards. Not by moral standards and not by the set of standards I live by. I have my failings just like anyone else. I may not be a good person but I have feelings, too. I have a heart and it can be broken. And it has been. Twice, actually. Names aren’t important here…just the concept. I may not meet your ideology but I am not less of a person than you are.

Today I came straight home again. I passed Steve’s road and wound up behind a green Chevrolet. Not the right one, though. Not even the right color green, actually. But it was a green Chevrolet nonetheless. And they couldn’t drive coincidentally but that’s strictly an aside.

Steve has me royally miffed at him so he’s been snubbed for the past two days and will continue to be so until he apologizes profusely and tells me that we can be together other than behind closed doors when no one knows I’m there. That’ll never happen of course so I’ll continue to give him this cold, hard shoulder. And that’s fine. Just frees up more time. And relives me of the mental stress involved in being a dirty little secret.

I wrote 12 pages in my journal today. So there’s not much left to say I suppose.

Man oh man....I am tired. Because I just took a three hour nap...LoL. Yes I realize it makes no sense. So I have bruises all over my forearms...it doesn't matter why; only who. They hurt and it's a pain. I haven't had bruises on me for awhile...not since I last saw Alison I think...

I think that was the worst relationship choice ever. So much I don't even think I want to talk about it. The only thing to mention, because I've already brought it up, is that I used to get the shit beaten out of me almost every time I saw him. I didn't mind, though...not most of the time. Although near the end...I just wanted to kill one of us.

That was something right there...but nonetheless I went to great lengths to keep our relationship going. Alison lived 3 hours away and I was working/going to school full time but we still managed to see each other a few times a week at least. I was the only one of us with a license, though. It pretty much involved a lot of money/driving time, and lack of sleep on my part. When I think of the sacrifices I made for that worthless piece of govno...ai! But what'll ya do...I used to think I was happy with him...

So back to the present time and the present bruises. I just wish I could find someone to care about me. No one I've seen since Ryan and I broke up has cared about me. There was Scott but...he was a fucking moron and I never liked him to begin with. No, no...when I say that what I mean is that no one that I've pursued and had any kind of relationship with has cared about me. Not Alison...not Kyle...not Steve...not Mike...no one.

And it kind of hurts in a way. It's a terrible fucking realization but I don't know why I'm whining about it- I never asked for anyone to care but...still... I just want someone to care, nowadays. Though I admit that's not what I was originally looking for. But things change. So if he cared about me, the bruising would stop and so would the pain. Both forms of it.

So today I was debating whether or not I’d go see Steve for lunch like I usually do. Well I decided to say “fuck it” this time around. I’m sick of sneaking around and having to leave before Scott or Jess comes around. It’s starting to hurt a little. So I decided I just wouldn’t be around at all. Not face to face and not on the internet. No AIM names that he knows about, no replying to messages on MySpace, nothing.

I’ve lost the motivation. So I guess I’ll go do homework now…

P.S. I am really scared about Josh when he goes to Jerusalem and its going to suck the whole time he's over there =((((( I love him so so so sooooo much...

Let's start on Saturday the 13th. Wow...now that day was the best I've had in so long. First of all, it was gorgeous. Perfect for driving around listening to ATeens Bayside & Buckcherry with the wind through your hair, grilling outside with the boys, frisbee on the mall in bare feet, lounging on the couches afterwards and chatting about bad movies, and then partying into the night. =) GORGEOUS DAY!!!! And so absolutely perfect.

I realized today how much I've missed Kyle. Haven't seen him in a little while and we got together Saturday night. The way he smells just lifts me to utopia. The way he meticulously and skillfully takes his laptop apart, all the while chatting with the tiny screws...and crooning to his cats and showing me all his dorky gaming things and speaking in his WoW slang. He's my dream boy. I get up to leave as he finishes describing a WoW adventure and I laugh and tell him I love him and he gets up from his chair and kisses me and I throw the keys onto the chest and drop my purse on the floor and from there it goes...And all I said was "I love you..."

It didn't always used to be this way. Kyle. Kyle my guy friend. I wouldn't let him touch me. That was 3 years ago. Things have changed. Was it February? Either way...now we're more...but less in a way. I went to see him for the first time in over a year and we end up going at it. It was built up after many years of inaction. The sexual tension could have been cut with a knife that night and it felt relieving to have it over with. So THAT'S what I was missing those years...THAT'S what I was denying.

He smelled of cheap wine and cigarettes and it intoxicated me that night. The smell of cigarettes. I love that smell on a man. It gears me up so incredibly much. Never thought I'd like that type of thing but by God I do. On his breath, on his clothes, in his hair…I can’t get enough of it.

Steve. I hate him. All American Rejects. Dirty little secret. I don’t want to be one anymore. Yeah it was fun at first but by now it’s gotten insulting. I couldn’t count on my hands the number of people who’d run marathons just to be able to show me off and he fucking hides me. I’m a Leo for God’s sake. I like to be loud! I like to shine! I like to be out there! I want to be seen!

Driving to meet Steve at work today and passed Chris walking on the side of the road. Was singing my lungs out as usual and there he was in my rearview mirror. I knew no one could be so cute and scrawny with a blue hat so I turned around and sure enough it was him. Pulled my normal adolescent driving stunt BS and asked him if he wanted a ride. You’d almost think he didn’t or something…but I can never tell with him. He’s so standoffish.

So he gets in finally and we’re off. Matt used to live with Chris. At work some time ago I casually asked Matt where he lived and he told me it was near Governor’s. Looking at the houses in the area I had it in my mind which one they probably lived in but I didn’t know for sure until one time I asked Chris what he drove and he told me a Raspberry Cavvy and then I knew for sure. =)

Sure enough I had been correct in my assumption. It usually works that way. So it was pretty cool because I knew where to drop him off today without even asking. I don’t know why I wanted to know where he lived back then. I guess maybe I thought I’d stop by sometime or something? LoL. I don’t even know what I was thinking but that was a long time ago. I vaguely remember eyeing the house on my way back and forth from Scott’s. Haha, I guess I just wanted to know about him because I thought he was a cutie. He has a girlfriend now, though. Oh well, who knows what might have happened if I had ever acted on that thought.

I should act on my impulses more often I think. In any case…let’s go to Sunday now. Mother’s Day. It was kind of a good day in a few ways. I had to work but there were some neat things that happened at work.

~Carrie came up with the word 'Scrumptiolescent' to describe how yummy a drink looked.

~It was Tracy’s last day and as is RT tradition, she was thoroughly whipped creamed/chocolate syruped/ice creamed/etc. Haha We got her fucking GOOD, too. Could barely tell it was her under all that sugar. Unfortunately I got a little too close to her and she rubbed some chocolatey goodness onto me. Haha. Oh well.

~Carrie and Michelle were messing around and as I came around the corner carrying a box of Minute Maid Lemonade, I catch Carrie say “Don’t touch that, Michelle, I pee out of it!!” LOL. Those crazy girls!!!

But nonetheless, I felt such a shit yesterday. Let me explain: I woke up and went straight to work in the morning. I worked my ass off all day because we were fucking packed in there. Ended up getting a miniscule break between shifts but was happy because I usually get to relax at night because I do ToGo. ToGo is usually dead and it was very slow this particular Sunday morning, so I was pretty sure I’d get down time and would get to laugh at all the busy servers running around that night. WELLLL what ended up happening was the complete opposite. The servers had almost no tables and I had a trillion ToGo orders. Not my day yesterday…

So I didn’t get out until late of course which also always sucks so I was in a poor mood. My feet, my back, and my head were killing me. I came home and my mother was already close to heading to bed. She served me some leftover food which I shoved into my mouth hastily. I didn’t even say “Happy Mother’s Day” to her. I didn’t realize this until she had already gone to bed. I felt like such a fucking ass.

So in any case, I got the chance to make it up to her today. I left Orono after my lunch with Steve and picked her up some dinner/dessert. Lobster/Strawberries. I haven’t seen her smile like that in a long time. I love her so fucking much…I just wish the woman would get a job. Since November she’s been without one. And my dad’s not allowed to have one. Being the only one in your house that’s employed is fucking lame.

I wanted my sister to get a job but she never did. My dad actually found a job two days ago so I’m wicked fucking psyched about that. I mean…I’m out of money. I am actually in debt now which really fucking blows. I always kept my credit cards paid off and now I’m 1300$ in the hole. Hopefully by the end of this summer I’ll have earned it back and saved up enough to get books and such and tune my car up a bit. I really need a new drive train.

Driving John’s car made me all sad that mine is so effing loose. I wish I could get my baby fixed but finances just haven’t allowed for it in a long time. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for this summer. Working my ass off. GOD I’M GOING TO MISS JOSH SO MUCH!!!!!! I already miss him =(((( He sent me a message on MySpace tonight being all cute and stuff, hehe. He’s new to it so he’s trying to figure out what messages are and how to edit background and stuff. He’s just the most adorable guy.

I have some pics of him on my phone. One with him and a BK crown on and one with him looking all cute in his nerdy glasses. I just effing LLOOOOVVVEEE guys with glasses!!!!!!! I think it is the cutest fucking thing in the world. ~<3. ~<3. ~<3. ~<3. ~<3. So in any case- Josh is off to Jerusalem this fall anyway so we would have stopped seeing each other eventually but I think it’s SO UNCOOL that it had to be NOW. =( But I can’t stand that place anymore so I had to get out…just had to. But now that I’m gone there’s really not that much I miss about it.

Oh, well. =) I’m sure nostalgia will hit within a month or two…or maybe more but it definitely WILL hit. It always does. Fucking nostalgia. Curse unto humankind…

Abdominal pains suck, FYI. I feel like soiaplalg right now, come to think of it. But I can’t- being at work and all. Today’s my last day. Nobody knows it, though, and I’d prefer to keep it that way. I just want to disappear if it's possible. I’m wearing my hair down- special occasion. =)

The things I’ll miss about this place. Most of the reasons are names of people. Adam, IT crew, Patrick, to name a few. But I can see people outside of work after all. I just called Chris Griffin for the second time this week. Pretty badass. Hehe. So what else will I miss? Flexibility…good pay for doing nothing…I’m sure there are other things probably.

Well no I haven’t lost my apathy- there’s still plenty of that. Still plenty of hopelessness. No, no…the latent despondency still very much exists. There’s no denying it. But the joviality. Yeah…there’s that, too. Have to think- why wouldn’t I be happy?

Still, for some reason there’s something overshadowing everything I do lately and everything I feel. It’s like I’m sad but I couldn’t tell you why. In almost everything lately I’m being irked with this constant feeling. It’s the same feeling you get when you pack for a trip and then leave…and you can’t help thinking you’re forgetting something but you don’t know what. I couldn’t begin to explain the annoyance of it.

Friday. Last day. Am I running from something? A few somethings actually. But I don’t regret that. I don’t feel badly about it. The hours here pass so slowly and I can’t help but feel that it’s tearing bits of my sanity away with every aching second that passes. Oppression in its truest form. I’m going stir crazy while sitting in place. Very still. Moving only pains me.

I only had 5 hours of sleep last night but I must have slept on my back wrong the entire time because I’m so incredibly sore today. On top of that I was burned to a crisp yesterday so I’m just in a bad spot overall. I hate when the numbers aren’t there; the whole thing is only half there- the bottom cut off.

I’m getting tired of AIM conversations. No good partners. Chris sent me a message last night. Was talking some crazy stuff about me doing something one night? Or something? I don’t even remember talking to him about anything…for awhile, actually. Either that time I gave him pizza or maybe an E-mail. Advantages of writing entries at work: get to check archived E-mails. LoL I am SUCH a pack rat; I save EVERYTHING.

Hm, wow. First E-mail was on 11/21/05! Long time ago! It seems =) Then just a couple E-mails after that but not much. 2/08/06 is the last one here. I think he thinks I’m annoying or something. He E-mails once or twice but then just stops so it’s weird. LoL. Who knows. I’ve decided not to bother him in awhile. Just to be on the safe side.

Hmmm, now it seems I’ve opened Pandora’s box: I’m sitting here reading age old E-mails and stuff. Which reminds me…I’m late in responding to my pen pal E-mail with Steven right now so I’m going to have to put this on hold for a moment…okay, well that’s done. Also new: I AM COLD WET AND MISERABLE!

It was raining pretty hard out there so I figured it’d be fun to go get wet. Yeah…getting wet was kinda fun…but being wet afterwards is miserable. And the person sitting behind me has a fan pointed at me so I am shivering like you wouldn’t believe. This is the epitome of an “it seemed like a good idea at the time” situation. <.<

I think I’ll carve my name into the monitor with my nipples. Hm…interesting prospect for later maybe. Ryan’s been bugging me to update my MySpace to be more dark and brooding. I think cheery suits me! But I’ll give the other one a shot.

I’ve been getting lots of E-mails from Justin today. He always sends something or another. Today it’s been Ron Burgundy quotes. Holy Jesus. He’s a strange bird, also. o.O I still have my first E-mail from him. I just read it in fact, LoL. He was asking about my fang necklace. I remember that necklace but I don’t know for the life of me what I did with it. One of those little mysteries.

Update: I actually just sent another E-mail to Chris today. Containing the song that never ends. He still hasn’t replied. He must really think I’m annoying. But I haven’t bugged him in months so it’s okay!! Haha. But today Dellserv went down and when I waved to Adam he asked me where I’d gotten a sock puppet, LoL. The thing is: my sweater is kind of long so it goes over my hand and Adam thought I had a sock puppet! ^_^;; In any case, then Lambchop was brought up and of course I make the association with the song that never ends…and then I started singing it…and got it stuck in everyone else’s heads. But he sits rather far away so he couldn’t partake in the fun so I sent him a message, LoL.

Then, Ron walked by singing it and that was awesome. And then he kicked the chair in which was perfectly aligned with my knees and ended up knocking me into the chair in a perfect sit-down position- all within a second or two. Probably one of the coolest things that’s happened to me.

Today has been funny as hell. I’ve gotten some of the best E-mails. After I threaten to harm his truck, Steve sends me :

“Catherine Lavoie - Touch my truck and I will have you beheaded and use that as a hand puppet. I've done it before. But with a pickerel. It did not touch my truck, though.”

LoL- and Adam:

Adam: If you had a show doing a sock puppet character, I'd watch it.

Me: I lack the creativity =x

Adam: That's too bad. I think it would be worth watching. You could make a funny, weird voice and name your hand Hortense or Beatrix.

And I mean come ON- what’s funnier than those two names? Hell yes I laughed out loud. I’m going to miss this place… =(